However, in some cases, narcissistic abuse doesn’t stop with just the victim and the abuser. Many narcissists use others to manipulate someone’s opinion, make the message, collect information, or pressure them. They are often called flying monkeys, as they are extensions of the narcissist’s influence and help to keep things under his control.
Knowing what these individuals are doing can assist survivors in identifying manipulation and maintaining healthy boundaries and emotional health. It’s hard for many to see how they could have a friend, family member, or acquaintance defending somebody who hurt them. Knowing these patterns can offer clarity and a sense of confidence to those seeking to proceed forward in their lives. Narcissistic Abuse Rehab provides educational guidance to help people recognize toxic relationship patterns and know how to move forward with emotional healing.
What Are Flying Monkeys in Narcissistic Abuse?
A flying monkey is a person who intentionally or unintentionally supports, defends, and/or assists other people who are involved in the narcissist’s life. They can serve as messengers, information, defense of the narcissist’s actions, and pressure the victim into accepting the narcissist’s interpretation.
The word comes from The Wizard of Oz, when the flying monkeys obeyed the Wicked Witch. In narcissistic relationships, the word refers to individuals who perform activities that support the narcissist’s objectives.
Not all the people flying the monkeys are aware of what they do. Others might have fallen for the narcissist’s flattery and manipulations or for the confident image he has worked hard to project. Others may knowingly be involved due to wanting to keep the relationship with the narcissist or avoiding conflict. No matter the reason for their involvement, it may evoke further emotional difficulties for survivors.
Why Narcissists Use Flying Monkeys
Narcissists tend to use external reinforcement to keep control over them and to safeguard their image. They might manipulate, coerce, or bully their target through others rather than directly confront them.
Some of the most frequent reasons for narcissists recruiting people are:
Defending their image: Narcissists may wish to be perceived as kind, innocent, or misunderstood.
Refusing responsibility: By relying on others, they are able to pass the buck.
Building doubts: If the victim hears the same message from several individuals, the victim may start to doubt his/her own experience.
Bringing them together: Flying monkeys can be used to encourage contact following separation or conflict.
Misinforming: Narcissists might use other people to spread false information or to create a negative picture of the victim.
Narcissists can isolate and leave survivors without support by involving others. This social pressure can make healing a bit more challenging because the victim may feel they should have to defend themselves all the time.
Common Types of Flying Monkeys
Flying monkeys can come in a variety of shapes. Identifying such patterns can guide individuals to understand how manipulation is done.
1. The Messenger
The messenger is a person who serves as a bridge between the victim and the narcissist. They can make apologies, requests, updates, or emotional messages for the narcissist.
Examples include:
“You are so much missed.”
“Listen to them; they want you to listen to them.”
It’s time to give them a second chance. These can be hurtful and unwanted and reopen emotional wounds. The messenger can inadvertently contribute to the narcissist regaining influence.
2. The Defender
The defender is concerned with defending the narcissist’s reputation. They may try to downplay the negative actions or dismiss the victim’s claims.
Common statements include:
“It’s not bad; they are not bad.”
“Everyone makes mistakes.”
“Forgiveness is the only thing you need to do.”
This kind of reaction tends to overlook the victim’s experience and distract from the narcissist’s behavior.
3. The Investigator
The investigator collects information, which can be submitted to the narcissist. They might want to know about personal relationships, plans for the future, feelings, or everyday life.
Examples of information they may seek include:
The location of your residence.
With whom you spend time.
If you are in a new relationship.
Your attitude towards the narcissist. This information can be used for new manipulation strategies or to maintain control.
4. The Enabler
An enabler avoids, excuses, or dismisses toxic behavior. To avoid confrontation, they may not want to face the narcissist or maintain the relationship with him.
Some of the examples of enabling behavior are
Excusing repeated bad behavior.
Ignoring abusive patterns.
Allowing the victim to accept unhealthy behavior. While enablers might not be harmful in and of themselves, they can enable toxic patterns to persist.
5. The Smear Campaign Supporter
There are some flying monkeys who get involved with distributing bad news about the victim. They might tell rumors, only half the story, or make judgments without knowing the facts. A smear campaign is a tactic often employed by narcissists to manipulate the perception of others about them. The victim’s reputation is hurt and can actually be damaged by the insults, thus giving the narcissist sympathy and support.
Signs Someone May Be Acting as a Flying Monkey
Recognizing these behaviors can help you make your decision on the amount of access to your personal life that a specific person should have. Some indicators that may signal this are:
- They do little more than repeat the narcissist’s point of view.
- They rush you to reconnect or forgive.
- They discount your emotions or experiences.
- They ask “what about you” questions that are not appropriate.
- They make you feel bad about making decisions.
- Defend harmful behavior but do not see the situation.
- They’re judgemental about your choices while pleasing the narcissist.
It is crucial to keep in mind that there can be people who are playing for “legitimate” purposes. It could just be that they are unaware, or perhaps they’ve been persuaded by the narcissist.
How to Respond to Flying Monkeys
Flying monkeys can be very mentally draining. You might lose your energy in trying to make everyone see your point of view, particularly if someone is not interested.
The following strategies can help:
Set Clear Boundaries
When it comes to dealing with people who are associated with a narcissist, boundaries are crucial. You are entitled to choose the conversations you engage in and the information you share.
Examples of healthy responses are the following:
I want no discussion of this situation.
My decision is final, and I ask you that you respect it.
Please refrain from sharing information about me.”
Clear boundaries minimize opportunities to manipulate.
Avoid Over-Explaining
For many survivors, the desire to validate experiences is an important need. But giving explanations over and over again may just add to the stress and lead to additional discussion. Withdrawing from the influence of others does not mean you are not protecting your peace.
Protect Your Personal Information
Be careful with whom you share information with, as they could meet with the narcissus. Sometimes personal information can be combined to form new manipulation attempts. You may want to share less information to ensure privacy and emotional safety.
Focus on Your Own Healing
You shouldn’t have to change someone’s mind to get over it. Rather than trying to persuade others to feel the same, work to restore confidence, establish positive relationships, and restore emotional equilibrium.
How Flying Monkeys Affect Emotional Recovery
Other people can complicate and intensify narcissistic abuse. When people who are supposed to be helping them support the narcissist and fail to take their side, it can be a sense of betrayal for the survivor.
- These are some of the typical emotional reactions:
- Isolation/understanding.
- Doubtful recollection.
- Loss of confidence in people.
- Stressed or anxious.
- Owning up to a given situation.
It is important that survivors identify these patterns, as they can help them see that manipulation may be social, not necessarily spoken, and may be done by the narcissist or other individuals.
Healing After Narcissistic Manipulation
The first step of recovery is to trust yourself again and accept your emotions and experiences. The journey of healing is unique and takes time, support, and self-compassion.
To help with recovery, try to:
- Knowing about the patterns of narcissistic abuse.
- Developing relationships with positive individuals.
- Practicing healthy boundaries.
- Asking others for assistance when necessary.
- Building confidence and emotion skills.
- Emphasizing personal development and aspirations.
Narcissistic Abuse Rehab offers resources to educate people on the methods of manipulation, the unhealthy relationship dynamic, and steps to strengthen their emotions.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q.1. In narcissistic abuse, what do “flying monkeys” mean?
Ans. Those who help narcissists send messages, defend their actions, pass on the information, or impact others for them.
Q.2. Do flying monkeys always know when they are flying monkeys or not?
Ans. No. Narcissism is supported by avoiding awareness that it is an issue and/or by not knowing the other person’s side of the story.
Q.3. What do I do with flying monkeys?
Ans. It’s best to stick to boundaries, not needlessly argue, shield personal information, and work on your own healing.
Q.4. Will flying monkeys change their mind?
Ans. Some may eventually catch on to the manipulation; others stick with the narcissist. Don’t make your recovery process contingent on their approval.
Conclusion
Flying monkeys also may be a big part of narcissistic abuse, as they help to keep the narcissistic person in control, to distort the facts, or to bring emotional pressure to bear. Survivors can establish healthy boundaries when they identify these behaviors and make better choices.
Knowing some of the manipulation patterns is an important step in healing. Awareness, support, and self-care can help people regain a sense of control, confidence, and healthy relationships.